Friday, February 22, 2008

"Not You again!" >.<

Haha yep, second blog in one day... about half an hour or so afterwards I think. But I feel like I've been neglecting my blog, so it's okay. But after writing that last blog, I started thinking... I really have no one I can spill my feelings to. I think that's what I really want right now. A friend who will listen and give me advice. Everyone sees me as this happy-go-lucky girl who goes to church every Sunday and is one of the nicest people they'll ever meet. Yeah, I go to church every Sunday, but as soon as I'm away from people, I sometimes break down and cry. It's really hard to always look and act so happy all the time. And honestly, I don't think I'm as nice as everyone thinks I am. I'm a real bastard to people I don't want to talk to. And every time, the same thing happens. After I walk away from them, I always think of what I said and start to cry once I realize how rude I was to them. I've never appologized to them once. I don't know why, I just can't say anything nice to them. I hate it. And lately I can't even look at them without feeling a tear come down my face because when I look at a person, a lot of the more recent conversations that I've had with them come into my head.
I haven't had a "good cry" in a while, so I've been getting a lot of little tears every now and then. Today for example. There's this one girl in my school, and every other day, she gives me some money asks me to buy her a lunch with it. I've been doing this for her since last year and she's thanked me hundreds of times. But today, for some reason, she gave me a hug and told me that I was so awesome. I'm tearing up right now just thinking about it. Stuff like that hardly ever happens to me. I still don't know why she finds me so awesome, all I do is take her money and get her a chicken sandwich, a strawberry milk, and a pack of cloghoppers. No big deal. I go through the line for her because she doesn't really like lines and hasn't been through the lunch line since she started high school, and she's a junior now. I don't see my self at all as a saint or an angel. Just some little christian girl who's nice every now and then.
Some of my friends even say things like "you're too nice, people are going to walk all over you." or even, "grow a back bone, you're going to need it." But the truth is, I don't think I can be agressive like that. I think I'm that person that can never say no. I've been told I'm super nice. But am I being super nice, or am I just letting people use me? True, I want to be a Jesus-like figure, but I think I've skipped over that and just became a little door mat.

Life is hard for everyone, so let's blow it off for a little while....

Life really is hard right now... I'm only in my sophomore year and I'm already stressed out for college. I still have to figure out what I want to do for the next two years of high school. I really wish I could blow off life every now and then. But not let it fall back on me later on. I just want time to... freeze, I guess. So I can have some time for fun again. For the next five weekends I have the play to do. That's going to kill me if this week doesn't, seeing how the play has officially entered Hell week, and my week is already hell. This weekend I have play practice at 8 in the morining and then I have to baby-sit the two demon brothers. I'm probably going to have to miss church for that. I haven't been to church in two weeks... Well, Last weekend I was with "man" and his chruch in a bigger city for a retreat. Then the week before that I went to a christian camp. So I guess I haven't been missing out on church in general, just I've been missing the church service that I usually attend.
Homework's been a killer too. Not only to my time or my brain, but also to my back. My back's been in a lot of pain lately. And I think I'm starting to come down with something. Not good for a singing voice. GEEZ! There is so much going on in my life right now! "Man" has been on my mind now more than ever, my friends keep telling me to ask him on a date, Choir festival is next week and that's always hell, mom and my brother are constantly yelling and screaming at eachother, and the worst part of all, my ex that I broke up with in December is still on my mind. But he's a blog for another day. I'll probably do more than this today. I'm in one of those moods where I just want to spill out my guts, even if no one is their to listen. Actually, I prefer blogging like this than telling someone... When I told a friend of mine a big secret of mine, our friendship changed. Now she thinks that I've chosen to be the way that I am because my friend has choosen that way too. That's not true. I've been curious about myself since 6th grade. Yeah, you probably get it. I'm questioning my sexuality. But if I keep going on that, this blog will be about 3 pages long. So yet again, anothe blog for another day...
I should stop. I keep getting off topic.